My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
