I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
