i jhust puked up my retainher.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
