I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
