apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
