So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
