my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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