You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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