Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
