Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
