it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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