he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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