My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
