you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
