I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
