just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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