i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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