i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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