For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
