I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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