Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
