What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
