I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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