someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Found the puke drawer
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
