can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
