The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
