So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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