a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
