Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
