ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
