Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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