The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
