Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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