There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And then my night got REAL pukey
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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