I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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