You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
