Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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