Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
