I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
