after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
is it fun? or sober?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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