he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
