It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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