do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
