The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
