Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Who died my cat blue again?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize