Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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