Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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