How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
