So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
