Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
