Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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