Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
