I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
