just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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