I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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