they need to just BURY HIM!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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