Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i dont even know how to be here
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
