It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
