I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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