At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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