This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
