1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
